People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?