The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
You Might Also Like
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
These 3D printers are insane!
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive