Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
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Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I bet
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*