My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
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Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside