me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
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I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk