They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
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[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt