Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
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“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Trains are just sideway elevators.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want