I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
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so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
So the ex texted me
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.