How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
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Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.