When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
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me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Y’all ready for this
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy