My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
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[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
scares
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased