One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
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dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs