all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
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Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.