I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
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She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
#StillHurts
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.