Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
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Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
You learn something every day
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
What even happened today?
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Hotels are back