(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
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Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Twitter fine art
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.