My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
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As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.