Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
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“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.