I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
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Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
The news in a nutshell.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
why am I working on Labor Day
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry