There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
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We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit