I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
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[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?