Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
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He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches