I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
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I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old