Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
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I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
“i am a sweet baby”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom