[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
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[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
quarantine day 3
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…