(yawn)
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I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.