My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
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ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”