My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
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LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Best spot.. 😅
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?