Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
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If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Terribly Tuesday.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
time machine? you mean a clock?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.