When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
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Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.