Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
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I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.