Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
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me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
our love story in four pictures
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.