Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
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That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.