If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
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I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
socratic questions
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.