If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
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When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
set yourself free xox
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave: