what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
You Might Also Like
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Generation gap…
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.