Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
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My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.