13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
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Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
What the hell happened here.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless