“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
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I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
That’s fair
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.