Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
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Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
fair
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”