I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
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Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner