Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
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My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.