Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
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Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”