Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
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My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
just make the entire table out of coaster
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now