11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
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Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”