We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
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i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good