Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Brands during Pride
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know