Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
There’s only one good girl here!
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.