“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
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*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Don’t we all.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.