Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.